I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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