Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
