we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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