When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
