My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
