I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
