Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
