based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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