Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
