he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
