From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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