Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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