I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
