Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Someone shattered a urinal.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
