Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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