but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
