My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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