I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
He kissed a someone with a penis
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
