You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
