genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
