we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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