Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
