I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
