i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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