I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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