FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
