Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
