he puts the penis in happiness.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
