so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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