Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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