Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
