she looked like the bat from fern gully.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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