so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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