these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
