They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
