Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
