Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Pants are for mortals
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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