I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
