I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
