he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
