Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What drink are we having for lunch?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
