peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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