True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
