Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
