my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I fill condoms, not promises.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
