Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
