Need sex. Gaining weight.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
