so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
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