Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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