Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just sent this text using only my big toe
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
